Falling Asleep On Jesus
Recently, I met with my spiritual director. We meet once a month to tend to my soul and to process how God has been present in my life.
I shared with him what my regular morning time with God has looked like over the past few weeks. My normal routine begins when my alarm goes off at 5:45 in the morning. I drag myself out of bed, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Then, I go to the kitchen, grab my favorite mug, and start my espresso machine. Two lungo pulled shots of espresso fill my mug, and I head to my home office to have coffee with Jesus.
I settle into my armchair, light a candle, grab a throw blanket, and toss it over my lap. The winter and fall mornings demand this extra comfy experience. I take a deep breath and practice centering prayer, a silent prayer sitting in the presence of God (I’ll have to write about this practice another time). On most days, I sit in centering prayer for about 10-15 minutes before opening up the Bible or reading from another text.
However, over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself mentally drifting off or distracted more regularly than I have been after practicing this form of prayer for over three years. When I catch myself drifting off mentally or fading into sleep, the practice is to say a sacred word and redirect my focus back to God.
This morning was a first, though. As I began this morning ritual, I immediately fell asleep. It was lights out, neck crooked, mouth agape, drooling. I caught myself after 10 minutes and felt the invitation to start over and try again. This time, I woke up, and it was 6:45. Another half-hour of sleep? I shook my head and just laughed at myself. I began to talk to God and apologize for showing up so tired and unfocused.
And then it happened again! Somewhere in my out-loud apologies to Jesus, I fell asleep again. This time, I woke up at 7:07! My morning is structured so that I spend from 6-7 am with God and then wake up the rest of the house at 7 so they can get their days going. I slept away the whole hour and an additional seven minutes for good measure.
As I'm sharing this with my spiritual director, he asks me, "What do you think the Father thinks of you as you were fighting sleep for the hour?" I ponder for a few seconds and realize that I felt a lot of freedom in that hour. I imagine Father God inviting me to "Try it again." And then a second time, "Try it again." And even a fourth time, "Try it again." I imagine if time didn't run out, there would be another invitation.
In our processing, I realized my perception of God has changed considerably over the years. In the past, I would imagine God’s disappointment with me and how offended He would be by my lack of ability to be attentive or even stay awake.
My director asked me, "If your kids got up early and came into your office to spend time with you, then ended up falling asleep while they were with you, what would you think?"
I would be so blessed by their efforts to come spend time with me, even if they fell asleep. I recounted the times my children were in the infant stages and I could stare at them as they slept. Watching their chest inhale and exhale in the stillness. I loved listening to them breath and the squirmy noises they would make. I miss the days when they would fall asleep on my chest or lap.
He said in a whisper, “What if your Heavenly Father still gazes upon you like that when you fall asleep on Him?”
I don’t feel as bad for falling asleep on Jesus now. There is much more freedom and a sense of love and security as I reimagine God, who just wants to be with me however I come to Him. Still, I plan to get to bed a little earlier so I can be more alert during my morning coffee with Jesus, just like I would with anyone else.
